Green Christmas
by LilaStar
Summary: Songfic to 'Green Christmas', couldn't come up with a better title for the fic, so there you have it. Remus looks out the window and wants what he can't have: Love. Sirius Black in particular.


AN- Another depressing fic, but it's Christmassy! So there. P

Warnings: Unrequitedlove, mild slashy thoughts...

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_The streets are filled with Christmas cheer_

_At least it's only once a year_

_Perfect parcels tied with perfect bows,_

_And carols ringing in my ear_

Remus sighed as he looked out the window of the dorm. His breath made foggy patches on the cold glass as his nose pressed against it. Everyone else was out there, playing in the freshly fallen snow, while he was sitting up here with his entire body in bandages, wishing he didn't hurt so much. Full moons sure could be a bitch.

Christmas was next week, and that was the other part of why he was depressed. Sure, Sirius had stayed this year so it wasn't the usual lonely Christmas, but still it wasn't exactly 'cheery'. All the presents and carols were never things meant for him, no matter how hard everyone worked to convince him otherwise. Carols and presents were for happy people, people who weren't dark monsters at heart, who weren't dirty and dark right through their cores.

'Christmas,' Remus thought, 'is a time when things are all perfect. And I am anything but that.'

_Bundled up against the cold_

_Lines wherever gifts are sold_

_Each shop window displays a Christmas scene_

_For everybody young and old_

Remus surveyed the mischief makers on the grounds. He spotter Peter easily, he looked like a walking marshmallow in all the clothes he was wearing. Sometimes it seemed that Peter would be better off living anywhere that was warmer than England. At least he'd soon be going home to London, which is considerably warmer than some obscure part of Scotland- just by default of latitude.

Looking off into the distance, Remus could see the lights of Hogsmede. They were a bit more colorful as of late as everyone was decorating for the holiday season. Shoppers were probably lining the streets in an effort to get all the last minute shopping done. Little kids that were still waiting for the days they'd get their Hogwarts letters were most likely dashing about and generally getting in the way while pressing their noses to the glass panes of Honeydukes and drooling over the candies on display.

Overall, Remus was glad to be in the peace of an empty dorm. Even if he was missing out on all of the fun and joy of the season.

_Icicles on eavesdrops and tinsel on the tree,_

_But it's a green Christmas for me_

Despite all the wintery and Christmassy scenes laid out before him, Remus still was completely lacking in the Christmas spirit. All he saw was green. No snow, no ice, no joy, and most of all, no Christmas. Because Christmas was about perfection, and perfect people had love.

Remus was feeling distinctly unloved.

_Couples skating on the pond (couples skating the pond)_

_Making angels on the lawn (makin' angels on the lawn)_

_Five red mittens drying on the rack_

_And needles shedding tannenbaum_

Remus sighed and looked back at the grounds. The puff of air caused his foggy patch to grow. He lifted his finger and traced a heart in it before drawing a squiggle down the center. Broken. Alone. He rubbed his shirt sleeve across the window, wiping away all traces of his slip.

Sirius was out there. He would never be able to mistake him. After all, he'd been obsessing over his dear friend for years now. He could probably identify him by his big toe.

But now he couldn't be even that close to Sirius. Because, he, Remus J. Lupin, was a stupid idiot with absolutely no self control and consequently squashed dreams.

Never, under any circumstances, is it a good thing to confess your love for your best friend of the same gender and attempt to kiss him. Not even when drunk, because Sirius is always far more sober than he seems.

So now, Remus is sitting in the window and Sirius is off flirting with some girl, skating around on the lake and laughing as the Giant Squid followed beneath the ice.

Homosexual werewolves were not meant to fall in love and live happily-ever-after and do cutesy things like making snow angels or ice skating. Homosexual werewolves were put on this earth solely to traumatize their friends and to be utterly miserable.

Or at least, that's how Remus saw it.

_Red bows on the railings and snowflakes on the ground,_

_But it's a green Christmas in this town_

_Green, cause of everything I miss_

_All this mistletoe, no kiss_

_And with every Christmas wish_

_There would be no greater gift_

_Than to have this envy lift_

What it all boiled down to was that Remus was jealous. Jealous of everything that came so easily to the rest of the world and so easily eluded his grasp. Any normal 16-year-old boy would have at least been kissed in jest by this point. But not Remus. He had everything in life that he needed, just not what he so desperately wanted. He'd give anything to be happily in love, if only for a brief moment. Just to feel wanted. To love and be loved in return. Nothing else mattered.

But all of that was impossible because the man his heart belonged to forevermore preferred girls and always would.

Remus, as much as he hated it, would always be alone because there could be no other like Sirius.

_Carolers are at my door (Fa la la la) etc.._

_Don't wanna hear them anymore_

_Stockings on the mantle_

_The snow's here everyday_

_But it's a green Christmas anyway_

_Red nose on the reindeer and tinsel on the tree_

_But it's a green Christmas for me_

'Christmas,' Remus thought, 'is the worst time in the world. Because Christmas is a time for love and rose-colored glasses, but I'm still stuck seeing green.'

He sighed and walked over to his bed, determined to ignore the joyful people below him and to try, once again, to fall out of love. Soon Christmas and December would be over. Then it would be January with its distinct lack of depressing holidays, and then February would come and…

'Okay, maybe Valentine's day is worse.'

The next morning, no one bothered to ask why his pillow was stained. No one cared, no one ever would. No one would share his pillow. Christmas was just another day to spend in loneliness.

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I beg ye for reviews...c'mon, it's Christmas time! And I promise a flulffy funny fic next..I really do! 


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